CIIS Public Programs Podcast

Transcript

Our transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human editors. We do our best to achieve accuracy, but they may contain errors. If it is an option for you, we strongly encourage you to listen to the podcast audio, which includes additional emotion and emphasis not conveyed through transcription. 

[Cheerful theme music begins] 

This is the CIIS Public Programs Podcast, featuring talks and conversations recorded live by the Public Programs department of California Institute of Integral Studies, a non-profit university located in San Francisco on unceded Ramaytush Ohlone Land. 

Restoring your body, mind, and spirit amid change is an act of courage, empowerment, and hope. Drawing wisdom from yoga philosophy and her many years of teaching experience, yoga teacher and activist Octavia Raheem offers motivation and guidance to restore ourselves through various forms of change in our lives. Her practice comes to life in her latest book, Pause, Rest, Be, where she provides simple restorative yoga poses and offers short teachings and reflections to see us through times of ending and beginning as well as liminal or transitional space.  

In this episode, somatic and transpersonal psychotherapist Deanna Jimenez joins Octavia for a conversation on how slowing down, stillness, and deeper connection to our own transitions empowers us to move through personal and collective shifts with more grace as well as what it means to navigate change with presence and courage. 

This episode was recorded during a live online event on April 13th, 2022. A transcript is available at ciispod.com. To find out more about CIIS and public programs like this one, visit our website ciis.edu and connect with us on social media @ciispubprograms. 

[Theme music concludes] 

Deanna Jimenez: Good evening, Octavia, hello.  

Octavia Raheem: Hi, hello.  

Deanna: I just want to say what an honor it is to be here with you to spend some time with you exploring your newest book. I do also want to say that I carried this book with me because the title alone is a mantra in these sometimes stressful times in my day to actually slow down and rest. So maybe in our time together, it's just going to be a taste of what this book holds. There's so much richness in it. So maybe just to begin, I'm curious, how do you define a practice of rest? 

Octavia: So, Deanna first, thank you. I'm honored to be in your presence, and I actually want to define a practice of rest, by inviting us to stop, right to start by stopping. And so, can me and you do that together and those who are tuning in? If they could do that too… and I see that you just kind of organically, put your hands at your heart. My hand just kind of moves to my belly or my hands are moved to my thighs, which is, you know this, very grounding. It’s so you can place your hand some place on your body that feels right, right now. You can keep your eyes open too or close them.  

And then you notice the breath, your breath. [silent pause] If you notice well enough, you'll notice there's a space in between the breath. Meaning a space between the inhale and exhale, and I'm inviting us to be in the inhale/pause, exhale/pause, meaning one whole breath three times together, okay? So just take three breaths and sit. [silent pause]  

So, that's rest. [laughs gently] That-that's rest, you know, we can't use a lot of words to define it and for me the essence of rest is what restores us, that which restores us, and for me in practice that can be just as simple as what we just did which is- and this culture that really privileges moving and speed and talking fast and doing everything fast and cause that efficiency and they cause that productivity. I think we just did something incredibly generative and productive in this one sense by just sitting still and gathering ourselves before we lurch into what's next. Right? And so that's rest to me this-this willingness, this capacity to honor the calls and what restores us, right? And that varies from person to person for me it’s meditation, restorative yoga, yoga nidra walks in nature. I have a cup of tea here that I've been drinking really slowly. It could be listening to one song at a time and only doing that, you know, as I think about rest in terms of also like taking away stimulus, versus adding more into the environment into our experience to be processed.  

Deanna: Beautiful. I'm also just deeply aware of even the pace in which the words come, right? That there's- and what I really appreciate what you just said is that it's not just the destination of rest but there is, you said for each person it's unique. The journey to get to that space of rest, whether it be me holding my hands on my chest or my legs or sipping the tea slowly. There are many entries into this space of quieter stillness huh? 

Octavia: Yeah, that's it. That's it. So many access points. Right?  

Deanna: Right.  

Octavia: We have to be paying attention and sometimes just that little invitation. Let's stop before we start, you know? Since we're in conversation, I'm so curious. Like, how did you receive that opportunity invitation? Like I said “Hey, you want to stop with me?” You want to pause with me then what did that feel like for you? You know and people who are listening or watching? What did that feel like to you? Did you actually do it? Did you go “I'm not doing that.” Did you not even hear that it was offered? Or did you go “Yes, all day I’ve wanted to stop and all day I haven’t found space or made space to do that.”  

Deanna: But something about the availability to receive it as well. yeah.  

Octavia: Yeah. 

Deanna: Beautiful. Thank you for that. This feels like a perfect segue way into this flow of your book as well. We spoke there- you said, you know, I'm just aware of the many chapters, and each of the chapters, so standalone, so unique with a story, a personal story and then an invitation to come into rest, and I wonder if you could just say a little more of how you created this gift to invite us all to rest. 

Octavia: So, what I want to be really honest and transparent about in the way I created this gift, thank you for calling it that, is I have a rest nest and I'm actually sitting on top of that. And what a rest nest is, as my teacher, Tracy Stanley, taught me if, you know, I'll put down my mat... I put down my blankets, I put down all the things I want for my comfort, and I leave this nest here, you know? Meaning a lot of times we’ll engage in practice and we fold everything up and put it away. I leave it here because it reminds me every time I look at it, if I haven’t just done this particular lay down practice that I haven't done it. And so, one way I wrote this book was not from here. I wasn't thinking like what should I write about or what should I do? I would rest. And then I would reflect, which is part of what I invite people to do in the book. And then from those two very restorative things of journaling and resting I'd look at what I had and I go, okay. I have a story here. I have, I have a book emerging here.  

Like I was aware that there was a book to be written, but I'm not going to sit here and say, oh, I knew exactly what it was and I set out to write this exact book. What I- so I think in anyone who's like an artist, right? A writer, a dancer, a songwriter, a storyteller, a cook, right? For me and maybe for many artists, there's this simple prayer, which is like, may I be the vessel and then I'll listen for what needs to come through me as the vessel. And so, the way I know how to listen is to pause and to rest- are to go on these walks in nature. And so essentially, I'm resting and I'm listening. And rest practices for me are also these practices of profound remembrance, that's part of the healing in it. You know, it- rest is both this place where I can remember and I can also start to perceive what is in the future, right? I have this experience where I'm like, oh space and time kind of stop being linear in the way that I rest. And so, I'm saying that to say I'm resting and then when I start journaling, I remember these experiences that I wrote about many of them in the book that really shaped my being, and that's what I did. I rested, remembered, and then I also rest and daydream and started to vision, like, what's next? And creating a book was pretty much all of that- this remembering and then also being able to hold that, okay…I'm creating something that's going to come out in a future tense. And so as I'm resting and remembering, and as I'm living through the moment, that was the summer 2020. And I had this experience that I think we all actually had of like endings crashing down around us, being pushed, dragged or crawling into this space in between, and then hoping, sensing, praying that there's something after all of that but not knowing what it was.  

And so, I wrote the book from that place of so much is ending, people ask me a lot, why’d you start with endings? And I'm like, because every- so much was ending for me and everyone around me, you know? And when I was resting and reflecting, like- it felt like I was remembering lots of other endings first and so I just followed that flow. I didn't try to disrupt the flow. I didn't try to control the flow. It was this yielding to it and I- the stories that emerge and that ultimately became part of the book were stories that I felt the personal stories were stories that I felt really represented universal endings and beginnings, right? This, you know, like I wanted, ultimately the book to have places that again, various entry points. Maybe you haven't lost a parent and, you know, I write about that in the endings. Maybe that's not the ending that you can connect to, but, but you maybe lost a job and didn't expect it to be happening or a relationship has ended abruptly. Or a child has left the college and it was both an ending and beginning and you felt, you know? And so, there are many more stories that could have been there. 

Deanna: Yeah. 

Octavia: And ultimately, I look for threads of connection, even as I hold great awareness of how truly different we all are. So, you asked one question and I say so many more things, but essentially, I rested and Pause, Rest, Be is what emerged out of my rest and restorative practices. My remembering and also accessing. Oh, there's a future that I can't see the book yet, but there it’s coming.  

Deanna: Right, thank you so much. As you are describing these threads of how you wove the book. I'm also noticing this thread of maybe kind of connected to my first question of like defining this practice of rest where there is a in, you said walking, or in movement, these portals into your inner being, and in that resting is it's not a creating from up here, but it's what is seeking to emerge. 

Octavia: Yeah 

Deanna: And- 

Octavia: You know a thing, I often say, Deanna is what wants to be said, what needs to be said.  

Deanna: Yeah 

Octavia: And then listening for that, that's a rest practice unto itself. Because in the end, I also think it's like a very, this is beyond gender. But this kind of like feminine way of existence, right? Or I'm looking for a word, that's not so polarizing as the masculine and feminine, but I don't know it quite yet. You might know it, you know? And what I'm thinking about is, like, how culturally we don't like we don't have permission. We just like not really acceptable to just kind of be in that place of like what needs to be spoken, what needs to be said, what wants to be spoken with wants to be said. We're always like I have to be the smart one in the room. Like that's what's rewarding. I know exactly what to say even if it's like does that need to be said? like but- does that need to be happening right now? And so, the writing of this has just, was like what- what wants to come forward and let me listen. I have a really strong will, you know, and I'm like, if I really start getting into, I'm gonna be like, no, but I want it to be that way. So, I'm just saying, I'm listening. I wrote this book for, I wrote it for you. I wrote it for me. I wrote it-wrote it, you know, the dedication is to everyone who has survived the last few years and everyone who didn't. And- and I mean that, and I that came to me about midway through the resting and writing, I heard it very clearly that this is for us. And so, I held that intention as I move through as well. 

Deanna: Yeah, they say nature fills an empty vessel, and I'm hearing this receptivity, as practice of being receptive to what is seeking to emerge. You used water as a theme throughout the book. So, there's something around that fluidity, that movement, that flexibility and being able to be with what is seeking to emerge. And when we can surrender to that, magic happens, huh? 

Octavia: Yeah, and I'm like, it takes all. It takes strength to surrender which is part of the kind of paradox of it. You know, that even- even as you're talking about the empty vessel and receptivity and what wants to come through. I also hold this awareness and a kind of sacred prayer. I walk with is: let me do what is mine to do. Let me do. What is let me say? What is mine to say? And so, I just wanted to name that specificity like I want it. What is it for me to say or not say? what is it for me to do and not do? And I really believe that- that takes incredible. Like rest is a clarifier for me, you know, so I met me that I'm not like, well, let me say with this other rest teacher with say, let me say with this, you know, it's just like, what is mine, what needs to come through me? Who needs to come through me like, who am I to touch with this message? And again, it's also in the still places where I start to be able to access much more clarity about what's mine to do and what was not mine to do. Again, that's a pre rest practice because it's part of how we keep to how I've created more space in my life for faith, right? And for apologizing, is the clarity around, was mine to do. What’s not mine to do? What’s mine to say and not mine? What’s mine to write? 

Deanna: As you are speaking to that, I'm appreciating that and also feeling in my body when we use the word receptivity and opening up in trusting this, what you speak to the middle of your book, that liminal space and there's this- this section in the book where it's really around. Like see our vision is often challenged in liminal spaces. It is where we must learn how to see in the dark. Our eyes have to adjust to the radiance within our shadows and the tenant porosity that dwells in our light. And so, I'm just feeling like that, put that expansion contraction, at least in my body like when there's that invitation to expand. There's also some constriction. I wonder if you can speak to practices on when we're in this intention of spaciousness and the pull to constrict shows up. 

Octavia: Notice it, right. 

Deanna: Mhmm. 

Octavia: Like what happened when you noticed it? You know… 

Deanna: There's- there's magic in the speaking it out loud for me. 

Octavia: Yeah, to name it. And I thought that is the practice, right? Space and contraction and that is the birthing process. You know. That's it. That's- that is, that is processed this. You know, that is happening. And I think that a lot of us aren't familiar with space. We're not used to space.  

So, I've been a restorative yoga teacher for some time and restorative yoga is this practice where we use, you know, all the props, all the bolsters. I am looking this way because I have like 30 pillows over here. That's a hyperbole, but lots of pillows, lots of bolsters, lots of blankets, comforters. I have all those things and, you know, used to give this queue all the time. Do everything you can do to make yourself physically comfortable. And then someone said to me, it's incredibly uncomfortable to be comfortable because I've lived so much in this skin, in this body, in- I'm acclimated to discomfort. I'm- basically I'm acclimated to restriction. I'm acclimated to lack of space. I live in a body where I come into a room and the safe thing to do is to not take up space. And so first, I just have deep compassion for that experience because it is one I have had and live with and that constriction and spaciousness. And also, the first practices well let’s notice that which is powerful, like, we don't have to move to be like, let me get out of this, just because you might need to brace yourself. You might need to hold your body, you might need to you thought you were going to rest for ten minutes, but it's- you, you're like, I can only do this for 1 minute, then just do it for 1 minute. You know what I'm saying? I think awareness and noticing and deep compassion for when you're like, well, I'm yearning for this, but then here's the invitation and I ignore it. Okay, then notice that, so, pre-practice to the practice. That's a beautiful place to start and be. And, and notice, it was curiosity versus judgment, right? 

Deanna: Right, right. All right. Hmm… I'm appreciating the space and rest. It's even being afforded in our time of talking right now to be able to speak words and then be with the words.  

Octavia: Hmm.  

Deanna: And in my experience to hear your words without an agenda of what to say next just present to what you're saying feels like part of this practice of- you’ve spoken to it. It's not like-  rest is a journey, not this destination, right? We're not like getting to rest but that we are engaging in rest as we're moving through our day. Like how is it woven? 

Octavia: The weaving, right? We're talking. I thought about the paradox of hurry up and rest! 

Deanna: Right? Which is so real in this culture. Right? We have a designated time to rest. You go here, you rest and then it's like, get back in traffic. 

Octavia: Yeah, you know, as- I have this really expansive definition that I haven't- still haven’t defined right of rest. Part of it. It's like literally I said what restores you. And I think- I think about a lot is… we're talking about stillness, right? That's in the title of the top and what I have learned as a, embodied being and then as a teacher to embodied beings, is that again, it- stillness requires practice and most of us scaffolding to actually get there. And I say, the pre-practice to the practice is let's first notice the pace you’re moving at and be really curious about it. Be really interested, like, a day or a week just noticing how you move and just don't change anything. And then I’m like next, intentionally slowdown in one way in your life. That might just be in the morning, you know instead of like 3-2-1 yelling at all the kids getting up, you know, maybe start at ten with your countdown, you know, and then then we move towards stillness, right?  

But what that actually does, if we're like kind of creating this scaffold in our lives, it shifts how we engage in real-time and for me all the practices, I engage, what is the point of them if it doesn't impact my relationship with me in a way that impacts my relationship with everyone I encounter in a positive way, right? You know, like what's the, what's the like practice is, you know, like I'm like, I like the cosmic journey and all of that. And we're here. We are on this ground. How does this rest practice, or these ideas, or any of this impact the way I show up in the world, you know. [Deanna: Right.] You know, and so that's just to say you were talking about this conversation having space in it, which also is rooted in trust. I trust that what needs to be said, will be said, you trust that what needs to be said, will be said and we don't- we don't have to impose upon it some agenda. We don't have to recklessly or even overly strategize exactly how to get where we're going or like we're here, we're being together…this is enough. So, there's like great trusting in process and unfolding and this is my practice being-being, embodying that practice. Right? So, I'm not technically doing structured rest practice, but I'm like, well, how can I, how can that energy still be present in something that's active or intellectual? I think about this, sometimes when I'm working. How can I still bring this energy into something that feels very effortful like in a heavy lift.  

Deanna: Yeah, the word scaffolding shows up for me as I was listening to you and feeling the support of that and also feeling maybe I don't know if it's a paradox of it. Well, there's this invitation for spaciousness and also this I don't have the proper words like this protection or these boundaries one needs to create in order to protect one's faith or rest. And I wonder if you could speak more or bring that in on how boundaries play a role maybe in your practice of rest. 

Octavia: They're essential, right? Because we live in a culture of work. 

Deanna: Yeah. 

Octavia: And produce by any means and I mean by any means, right? Like this any means… which is not, it's not humane. It's not the speed of life. It doesn’t really nourish life, you know, and that's just to name that like we're swimming in a certain kind of ocean and to start to slow down to honor rest and space to do something as simple as ask someone how they're doing and actually pause to listen. It is to go against the grain and when you're going against the grain of what the norm are the privileged and to do that requires a kind of inner fortitude, and because you're challenging something, that's way bigger than you. It's systemic, it’s institutionalized. Then you have to be clear within yourself, you know? And you have to draw your lines for yourself because literally no one's going to do it, you know. And sometimes I would bring it down to more of the macro because I just said systemic and institutionalized.  

Sometimes your home is the microcosm of the bigger things, right? Like any all, most, we all live in a home. Most of us do, right? And there are people in it, and there might be a way of functioning that is totally not sustainable to, at least, one adult in that house for, one person, who's doing all the things or one person who's, like, carrying the load of caring for everyone and that- say that one person goes “This is not sustainable. I cannot live like this anymore.” Because that ecosystem’s already set up like that to go in and like be like, well, I'm gonna be like, I need a little boundary around that. I need a boundary. I need that here. Literally, the only way you're going to have any space is that you identify what your boundaries are and where there's some flex in it. You're not rigid with it and that you then have the- enough clarity and courage to communicate that to whoever is around you. And it also, I think what I think about a lot is inner boundary, sometimes people go “I literally have no time, I have no time”, and I'll just go “how much time you spend on social media,” right? Because sometimes we think the boundaries are like I got to do with other people out there, but really, it starts to be like what's my inner boundary? 

Deanna: Right. Really hearing that inner boundary for both of your scenarios. One, before we’re able to define those boundaries for others, there's first you said I think you said use the word clarity. There's first a clarity or a knowing of what that boundary that you're establishing is for you and separate from those boundaries were creating for others. There's also just this inner tending to this inner boundary that we’re creating for ourselves. 

Octavia: Yeah, like what a question I kind of walk with is. Like what do I need to really be able to show up? You know? Because I like really like I'm like I am like a deep connector, incredibly generous and giving and so because of that I'm like I can very easily just keep on there. Like I'm going to share with you and I'm here for you and I'm holding you, and- and I really have to- have to be honest with myself and go, like, what do you need in order to show up in a way that really feels deep and generative and generous and of service? And, you know, and so those are two tensions I live with is deeply personal to me, you know. Yeah, the inner boundary, this inner dialogue I'm having with myself and this kind of inner reckoning of life. I need and I can receive. and what do I need to communicate, are set in place so that I have space and opportunity to take care in a way that allows me to show up and not be raggedy. [laughs] 

Deanna: That’s the term, yeah, raggedy 

Octavia: I just said that out loud and I just like- right? Sometimes when we're just giving too much and when nothing is being returned, we’re resentful. Or stingy with our energy when we're with people, right? Like I did a little rest practice before we started because I was like, I really want to be able to be with you.  

Deanna: Yeah. 

Octavia: You know, I really want to be here and pausing and resting help me do that.  

Deanna: Yeah. I appreciate you expanding on the term raggedy, but I was with you when you said it. I, yeah, I get it right how we yeah, how we extend ourselves. Hmm. Thank you for that. And what I what one thing that I'm taking from what you just said is that- that checking in that-that checking in and that answer is so personal what you need is different from what I need and different from every listener. But to ask that question to be in that curiosity allows for the answer to arise and again, it's arising from within.  

Octavia: Mhm.  

Deanna: What a beautiful practice.  

Octavia: That's beautiful, you know, so Deanna, I, you know, this full transparency. We talked yesterday and it was a beautiful conversation, and it feels really important to me and for me to give people's faith an opportunity to rest and part of that is, if they've read the book. There's maybe something's percolating within. We've talked and been meandering, and a lot has come up, you know, like I've had moments where I'm like, wow, I really felt that in my body. Curiosity is arising are some things just kind of stewing. And for me. I'm like, well, I don't want to just keep adding and inputting. I would like for people to have a space and opportunities for what has been heard to start to land, if what they need today is just simply to rest irregardless of what they've heard us talk about and whether it needs to land or not, so I'm saying all that to say I love- I’d love to guide people through a little bit of rest practice. 

Deanna: Sounds like a beautiful invitation. It’s been beautiful speaking with you. 

Octavia: Yes, yes! Thank you so much. You are a wonderful soul to be in communication with. So, thank you. [silent pause] 

So, wherever you are. You can continue to sit if you're sitting, you can. If you are in a comfortable, safe place, you can lean back. If you want to lay down in your bed or on the floor, just shift your body in a way. That sends a clear message that it's okay to rest right now. Sometimes when I'm sitting at my desk, I'll just put my head down. And so, I want to pause and give, you know, 30 seconds or so for you listening to situate yourself in comfort. [silent pause] And sometimes the thing that is going to allow us to be okay, in stillness is movement first, right? So, naming that as well. If you need to reach your arms up or roll your shoulders, take a walk around the room. Whatever it is you do, if you decide to move a little bit. The rest of my invitation is that you start off at your normal pace and then you give yourself a few moments to start to slow that down and then you try to get still again. And that's just if you need to move before you're still some of you might already be completely still.  

[silent pause] 

And then you just start to notice your physical body. And I say notice a lot. It just means pay attention. Pay attention to your body. Or just notice where attention in relationship to the body is drawn. And a lot of times, it might first be drawn to a place of discomfort or a place that needs or wants some more support or attention, right? So, our attention is drawn to the place that it's like I need you. Can you put a pillow right there? Or I'm cold, or can you cover me, or can you shift? So, notice your body.  

[silent pause] 

And again, notice your body. Acknowledge any thoughts? Revelations, ruminations there. Might even just be a word that is dancing through your minds. Notice if you've heard something that really resonated, notice if you heard something you like. I don't agree with that. Notice if you heard something. That created a curiosity or sparked a feeling of waking up. So, what are we doing right now? Not a lot, right? Which is noticing. One of my teachers, Dr. Gail Parker, she always says just because we're doing nothing. It does not mean that nothing's happening. [silent pause] So, you've noticed your body. You’re noticing thought. Now let’s pay attention to the breath.  

[silent pause] 

So, pay attention to breath. And that is simply profound, right? Noticing that inhale, noticing the exhale. Feeling the inhale really feeling, right? Because it's something we can feel. Sometimes we go to think about the breath, but we can feel. Can you feel the touch of the inhalation as it greets the nostrils, right? The touch of the exhalation as it leaves, and it stands and merges beyond you. So, what are we doing? Not a lot. Yet something beautiful and sometimes, really profound just sitting or lying or curling up and noticing, noticing your breath. If you notice your breath long enough, full enough, deep enough, there's a point, right? Where you will notice that if you inhale, there is a pause, exhale, there's a pause. These are natural pauses in the breath or not ones that we have to extend, exaggerate, or do anything to. The invitation remains simple. Notice your full breath. Which is made up of one, inhale, pause, and exhale, and a pause. Do that 3 to 5 more times.  

[silent pause] 

The touch of the exhalation as it leaves, and it stands and merges beyond you. And then, with the next inhalation since that you were breathing in through your nostrils. Feel the touch of the inhalation in through your nose and follow the inhalation down into the center of the chest. When you can sense that you can follow the exhalation from the center of the chest. I follow it back out from the, through the nostrils. Exhalation merges with space, right? So, inhale, follow the breath down and into the center of the chest, exhale with all of the breath. Up and out.  

[silent pause] 

And then just notice, if you are allowing, witnessing, watching, kind of experiencing it. I'm just saying, inhale breathing to the heart center. Not the literal heart, but the center and an exhale out. Notice If you are allowing that or doing it. I'm doing it. I'm breathing in hard, right? And it can, it's just noticing with curiosity and I'm offering that up to you because of something I noticed in myself on my own. I’m doing it. The invitation here is to experience it, which is slightly different, right? Follow the breath, in. Follow the breath out.  

[silent pause] 

And so, one way that I hope we use to engage experience Pause, Rest, Be the book is that we take a moment to be still. We asked what message might be most useful for us this day, this moment or whenever it is we're asking then we open the book, we read, what's there, and we let that be enough, right? You might read the book cover to cover. That's beautiful too. But I also invite you to engage the book in this way of. Okay, I'll pause for a moment. What's my word from Pause, Rest, Be today? Open the book and then see what’s there. And so, I did that very practice that I'm naming for you, in it, in advance of this. But with you, in my heart and with Deanna in my heart, and with the CIIS community, in my heart, And when I opened the book, what came is page 37, which is “Down by the Riverside”. So, you just keep feeling and breathing and pausing and just resting and if it's helpful to you, you can on the inhale, say I’m breathing in and exhaling, I’m breathing out. And I just want to read to you as you rest.  

“Down by the Riverside” from Pause, Rest, Be. The gentle is powerful. I am looking at a river flow. A steady slow stream. They're heavy rocks anchored beneath the pulsing river. I lean forward to search the depth and touch the movement of this moment. Up close I see the rocks, warm, clearly affected, transformed even, by the ambling unhurried dance of water passing eternity after eternity over them. I look to the river to teach me a way to live, exist, and be.  

River speaks to me in whispers and slow rides. River says, watch me. I am unhurried and I have been for millions of years. I know my rhythm in the very drumbeat of life. I am soft and fluid yet, I change everything I touch. I am changed by everything that touches me. I resist nothing. Most years I'm gentle, this is what the river said.  

Here I am. Here you are. Down by the riverside. So, so much has ended. I have, we all have been changed. I offer my endings to the river. I offer our collective endings to the river. I stand here being washed over. Yet, fully participating in the shifts. As I am cleansed, I am also warm for tomorrow. For tomorrow, I carry both the wisdom of the river and the soul of the rock in my heart. Honestly. I am afraid. Truthfully, I am still brave. I know one thing for sure, down by the riverside. There ain't no turning rounds.  

Breath in fully, breathe out, completely. Imagine yourself now resting by an ancient river. Can you hear the river song? In your mind's eye, can you see the water flow over rocks? Feel the breeze touch your hand, even penetrate to your heart. Take the cool freshness of this air on your lips. Down by the riverside. Here you are. What ending would you like to offer to the river?  

Wherever you are, turn your palms up and then just reach your hands forward. So, you inhale, you can draw the hand in. You exhale, you can reach the hand forward, in this gesture of offering and ending to the river. Do that as many times as you need to. Offer an ending to the river. Offer many endings to the river. May you be free and lighter as you make whatever offering must be made. And as you face whatever, ending is yours to face will take just a minute here in silence to rest and be. 

[silent pause] 

And then you can stay wherever it is you are, and physically however you are. I just invite you to become aware of the sound of your breath. Aware of the sounds you can hear in the room or prayer or whatever sounds you can hear beyond the room and then aware of how this pausing and resting and being, the stillness impacted you and maybe allowed you to honor an ending or if you're facing one to face it with more courage.  

It's been an honor to just be in space with you. It's been an honor. It was an extra special honor to rest with you, to pause with you, to be with you. Thank you so much, Deanna for speaking with me, and for being such an intentional human and being a practitioner, and thank you CIIS for such incredible, generative, purpose-filled, public programming. Thank you all so much. 

[Uplifting theme music begins] 

Thank you for listening to the CIIS Public Programs Podcast. Our talks and conversations are presented live in San Francisco, California. We recognize that our university’s building in San Francisco occupies traditional, unceded Ramaytush Ohlone lands. If you are interested in learning more about native lands, languages, and territories, the website native-land.ca is a helpful resource for you to learn about and acknowledge the Indigenous land where you live. 
 
Podcast production is supervised by Kirstin Van Cleef at CIIS Public Programs. Audio production is supervised by Lyle Barrere at Desired Effect. The CIIS Public Programs team includes Kyle DeMedio, Alex Elliott, Emlyn Guiney, Jason McArthur, and Patty Pforte. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe wherever you find podcasts, visit our website ciis.edu, and connect with us on social media @ciispubprograms. 
 
CIIS Public Programs commits to use our in-person and online platforms to uplift the stories and teachings of Black, Indigenous, and other people of color; those in the LGBTQIA+ community; and all those whose lives emerge from the intersections of multiple identities.  

[Theme music concludes]